How To Shop For Your Favorite Jerk
by Rayen 'Tora' King
Summary: Sasuke and Hotaru were born on the same day, July 23, and hate each other's guts. What could possibly happen when they both decide to get the other a present? SasukXOc


**Summry: what if a guy had a female roomate whose birthday was the same as his? and even better... they hated each other, but still on their brithday's, they both go out to by the perfect gift for each other? then figure why they might be doing ever so slowly. this that scenio Im:**

**HOW TO SHOP FOR YOUR FAVORITE JERK.**

**as demonstrated by Sasuke Uchiha and Hotaru Namimochi.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. just this plot line.**

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**TO SHOP FOR THE MALE JERK**

**Step 1: Ask yourself, Why are you bothering to buy him something?**

_Since I've lived with him for so dang long I should know what to get the ungrateful jerk!!_ I thought as I entered the market place. _Sasuke, you better be grateful for this. _

It was July 23rd. Sasuke's birthday; mine too. I never got a present from anyone, so why was I buying a present for the jerkish, dorkish, evil, roommate of mine? It's not like he'd buy me one in return. We just didn't get along. Yet why was I buying him a present? Maybe so he'd leave me alone for "caring only about myself." Excuse me for not having a family, or a fanclub, to buy me birthday gifts!

With a heavy sigh I entered the market place, and I had a small rush of claustrophobia before I continued walking. I hated shopping.

**Step 2: Try every store, and avoid his admirers at ALL COSTS. Don't forget to get something for yourself.**

I tried every single weapon shop, but he had all the kunai and shuriken he needed. I tried all the book stores. Nothing he'd like. Novelty shops? Nine, zip, nada.

"You have got to be kidding me," I growled as I drudged past a clothing store.

I peeked in, _Worth a shot._

I entered it, and began to look through the shelves and racks. Nothing really seemed to be anything Sasuke would like. I'd see a shirt I'd like over here. A pair of pants over there.

Nothing for Sasuke though. I didn't even think an old skull and crossed cutlasses shirt would satisfy his highness. Or a rather cool bandana with a skull and crossed cutlasses. I decided I'd buy that for myself. Hey! I've a right got to spoil myself on my birthday!

Then I ran into my worst shopping-for-Sasuke shopping nightmare; Sakura.

_Oh crap!!_ I thought as I tried to hide.

Unfortunately, I'm the only girl in Kohona with super short ice blue hair.

"HOTARU!"

_Ah dang,_ I stood. "Hi, Sakura."

"Hi. Do know you what today is?" she squealed.

"The day I go deaf?"

"NO! It's," she looked around, like she didn't want anyone to hear her. Then she whispered, "Sasuke's birthday!"

"Well Whoop-Dee-Doo for him. It's my birthday-" I began to reply, when Sakura interrupted.

"I just can't decide on what to buy for him! Should I buy him candy? Or a shirt? Or maybe a new pair of shorts? OH! How about..."

I didn't catch the next part, because I ducked behind some racks, quickly bought my bandana and left the store.

**Option for Step 2: ask a friend and or teammate. Depends on what your hometown's like. Do you A) go to regular school, or B) are you training to become ninja? If A, ask a friend. If B, find a teammate that's not the birthday jerk or one of his admirers. A friend works too, and you might get a birthday gift from that friend/teammate, if you're lucky.**

I sighed as I passed a ramen shop. My stomach roared.

_Might as well get some lunch,_ I thought, walking over and sitting down.

I snatched a magazine as a waitress came over. "I'll have a basic beef ramen please."

"Coming right up."

Then, Naruto walked up behind me and grabbed my shoulder as I flipped through the magazine.

"AYE AYE AYE!!" I cried, like the little robot from Power Rangers: The Movie, as I dropped the magazine and spun. "DON'T DO THAT."

"Why not? I think it's funny when you go all "Alpha". It's neat how you hit the tone perfectly!" he said as he sat next to me. "I'm having the special pork ramen!"

I shook my head and picked up the magazine, sighing.

"Why so upset, Hotaru?" Naruto asked, concerned.

"Well, it's Sasuke's birthday, and I have no clue what to get him."

"Why bother? He probably won't give you anything," Naruto said, then he smacked himself in the head. "I nearly forgot!"

I quirked an eyebrow as he rummaged through his coat.

"Here! Happy Birthday, Hotaru!" he cried, holding out a small box.

"Oh, Naruto. You remembered!" I smiled as I opened it.

Inside was a beautiful notebook, with a leather cover that had a dragon and flowers burned into it.

"Naruto, this is wonderful," I said as I thumbed through the pages. They were stationary, and their pattern was a dragon sitting in a rose garden. "I don't know how to thank you."

"Well, I figured since you liked to write poems and songs, you might want a special notebook to keep them in," he replied with a huge smile.

"Thanks, Naruto," I said, leaning over and gently kissing his cheek. "You're the best."

"N-no p-problem!" he stuttered, and I giggled.

**Option for Step 2: Take a magazine quiz. It might just help give you some ideas.**

After we ate our ramen, Naruto left to train, and I sat in the shop thinking, my new notebook carefully and lovingly tucked safely in my backpack.

I opened the magazine up to a type of quiz. This is what it said.

_Do you know someone who's such a total jerk you don't know what to do with them? _

_Here's something to help you out. _

_Take this quiz, and the results might just help you out! _

_Just cross out yes or no, and cross your fingers!_

I looked over the questions. _Sure. I've got nothing better to do._ So I grabbed a pen and got to work.

_Do you date this jerk? Yes or No_

_Do you happen to live with this particular jerk? Yes or No_

_Is this jerk, unfortunately, related to you?Yes or No_

_Are they a jerk 24/7 around you?Yes or No_

_Are they highly stressed?Yes or No_

_Have you ever tried getting them to talk about their problem with you? Yes or No_

_In result, if yes to previous question, have you nearly lost your head or been injured severely? Yes or No_

_Are they jerks to everyone around them?Yes or No_

_Do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?Yes or No_

_Do they have any pets?Yes or No_

_Are they ever cruel to animals when around them?Yes or No_

_Do they seem to let go for a moment with animals, if no to question 11?Yes or No_

_Do they have room for a pet?Yes or No_

_Congrats! To cheer up your jerk, get him/her a figurine of an animal, or a picture of one. Fairly easy solution. _

"Yeah, no kidding that's a fairly easy solution!" I said out loud, a perfect idea running through my head, and I ran downtown.

**Step 3: What guy doesn't love a dragon statue?**

I came to a stop outside a crystal store, and walked in. I had a certain animal in mind, and I hoped that Sasuke would like it.

"Excuse me, but do you have any dragon statues?" I asked a man in his early thirties.

"As a matter a fact, we do. Right over here," he gently took my shoulder and lead me to a bookshelf that had about ten statues to every shelf, and there were ten shelves! "Anything that might interest you?"

I scanned the dragons, til I saw one that was totally Sasuke. It was a kind of onyx colored crystal, with ruby eyes. It was almost like it was made just for me to find. "Yes, that black one with ruby eyes, on the second to top shelf."

The man reached up and took it down. "I remember when I made this one, it was about nine years ago. I was dating a Uchiha. She reminded me of a dragon, so I made this one to remind me of her after... the massacre. Do you have a Uchiha friend?"

"Well, actually, he's not exactly my friend. He's my teammate, and roommate. I just wanted to get him a little something that might cheer him up," I shrugged.

"Tell you what, I'll only charge you about ten dollars. It was originally eighty, but since it's for a Uchiha, I won't make you pay so much," he said with a smile.

**Step 4: Realize you can make everyone but you happy. But, keep wishing on stars anyway.**

"Thank you!" I quickly handed him a ten dollar bill and he delicately wrapped the crystal statue in bubble wrap and tissue paper, then gently slip in a box and bag.

"Have a good one!"

I exited the store thrilled, but soon paused and looked longingly at a beautiful opal eyed blue seaglass dragon, that was exactly like my notebook's stationary._ I can make others happy, but I can never please myself..._

I walked regretfully away.

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TO SHOP FOR THE FEMALE JERK

**Step 1: Ask yourself, Why are you bothering to buy her a present?**

_I can't believe I'm actually shopping for that heinous wrench! I have no clue what she'd like!_ I thought, coming to the street where the market place was. _Hotaru, you better be grateful for this!_

It was July 23rd. Hotaru's birthday; mine too. So I decided, for some strange reason, to get her a present. I only got birthday presents from my fanclub, and they were all sappy. So why was I getting a present for some female jerk who was always at my throat? Maybe so she'd leave me alone for "caring only about myself." Excuse me for not enjoying life's little things and focusing on the goal of getting revenge on my brother.

Focusing back on my current problem of going shopping for a birthday present without getting mobbed by fangirls. Nothing really came to mind, so I simply walked into the street.

I tried every single store. Clothing, books, novelties, weapons. Nothing seemed right. Sure, I saw a coat I liked or a book I'd been wanting to read or a "Stay the &%$$ out of my room" sign, or a katana I really wanted. But, otherwise, nothing for Hotaru. So I decided to try downtown.

**Step 2: Stop by a local ramen shop and read a filled out magazine quiz.**

On the way, I stopped by a ramen shop for lunch.

I ordered something and picked up a magazine for no real reason, when I came across a filled out quiz.

With slight curiousity, I read over the answers.

_Do you know someone who's such a total jerk you don't know what to do with them? _

_Here's something to help you out. _

_Take this quiz, and the results might just help you out! _

_Just cross out yes or no, and cross your fingers!_

_Do you date this jerk? Yes or No_

_Do you happen to live with this particular jerk? Yes or No_

_Is this jerk, unfortunately, related to you?Yes or No_

_Are they a jerk 24/7 around you?Yes or No_

_Are they highly stressed?Yes or No_

_Have you ever tried getting them to talk about their problem with you? Yes or No_

_In result, if yes to previous question, have you nearly lost your head or injured severely? Yes or No_

_Are they jerks to everyone around them?Yes or No_

_Do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend?Yes or No_

_Do they have any pets?Yes or No_

_Are they ever cruel to animals when around them?Yes or No_

_Do they seem to let go for a moment with animals, if no to question 11?Yes or No_

_Do they have room for a pet?Yes or No_

_Congrats! To cheer up your jerk, get him/her a figurine of an animal, or a picture of one. Fairly easy solution. _

_Hm, looks like someone I know, _I thought as I sat the magazine down when my ramen came.

"Well, well. The birthday boy has left his hole."

"Shut it, Kakashi. I won't be out of it for long," I growled as the masked silver-haired jonin sat down.

"So, why **are** you out and about on the worst possible day for **you**to be out and about?" he asked.

"I'm just out," I lied through my teeth.

"Wouldn't be shopping for a present to give to Hotaru would you?"

"NO! Why w-would you think that?" I said quickly.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Maybe because you seem deep in thought, and today is also Hotaru's birthday. Well, I gotta run. By the way, we have a C-ranked mission next Tuesday."

"Great," I muttered as he left, and I began to eat my ramen.

"Oh, and Sasuke!" Kakashi came back.

"Hm?"

"Happy Birthday."

"Thanks."

**Step 3: think over how you and the jerk have always got along. You might find you were the one who was the biggest jerk. Then, go buy her jewelry.**

I finished and left for downtown to see if I could find anything for Hotaru there. As I walked, I thought about the relationship between Hotaru and I.

We'd always been at each other's throats, snapping at each other and fighting.

_But now that I realize it... I was the one always degrading. She only wanted me to stop calling her worthless. She never really did anything to me... Why was I always such... well, to put it simply, a jerk?_ I thought as I neared a small jewelry store. _Maybe it's time that I finally stop being like that to her... Change..._

I walked in and looked around. Earrings, rings, bracelets, anklets, and necklaces were everywhere. I had no clue where to start.

"Hello, young man. Looking for anything special?" a woman asked.

"Well, my, uh, friend's birthday is today and I wanted to get her something. Do you have anything kinda mythical?" I asked, looking around again.

"Well, come over here," she led me to a glass display case. "Anything here she'd like?"

I looked over the items: unicorn pendents and charms, dragon earrings and pendents, gryphon bracelets and anklets.

I looked at the dragon section again, when one set caught my eye. It was a pendent, a frontal view of a dragon with its wings spread out, with a pair of dragon head earrings. The eyes were of opal, and the dragons were sapphire.

"How much is the sapphire dragon with opal eyes set?" I asked, pointing to it.

"Those? About $220."

"I'll take them."

The woman nodded, and then took my money while she went around the counter and took the set out of it.

"Have a good day!"

**Step 4: Buy her something she really, really wants.**

I walked out with a small smile. Every thing in Hotaru's room was mythical, so she should love the jewelry set.

As I turned, I saw a head of ice blue hair walked out of a store.

_CRAP!!_ I stood still as she turned and began to walk down the street.

Hotaru walked for a few feet, then paused in front of a window.

_What's she looking at?_ I wondered as she sighed and continued walking.

I walked to the window and looked in. And I saw it.

A beautiful opal eyed blue seaglass dragon was there, and I knew that was what Hotaru had looked at. And she wanted it bad.

_Maybe... Should I?_ I thought as I glanced at her. Hotaru continued to walk away unknowingly, yet sadly. _Yes, I should_, I walked in.

I bought it and left, walking home as fast as possible._ God, please let this work._

It started to rain, so I ran with my head down for the rest of the way to the house through the compound. Then, as I neared the house...

SLAM!

"OW!!"

"OUCH!!" I looked up and stared into a pair of golden eyes.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't see you, Sasuke. I was trying to get out of the rain," Hotaru said as she stood up and quickly picked up the bag she had.

"Yeah... same here," I replied, then turned and unlocked the door. "Come on. You'll catch cold."

"Th-thanks?" she seemed surprised by my sudden kindness, but hurried inside all the same.

"I-uh-I need to go to my room for a while," I said with a glance at my bag.

"Me too," she said, then ran up stairs.

_Phew..._ I walked into my room.

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Is This Really Happening?

Hotaru walked downstairs with her gift to Sasuke, sat it under the table and began to fix dinner. After about an hour, she went to move a pan, when the pot beside her spit and landed on her hand burning her.

"YE-OUCH!!!" she screamed as her hand slammed into a bowl, sending that to the floor where it shattered.

"Hotaru! Are you okay?!" Sasuke slid into the room and saw her licking her burnt hand, then the broken bowl. His anger welled up. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I was making dinner when-"

"You just broke one of my mother's best bowls! I can't believe you!!!" he shouted.

Hotaru was furious. She hated it when he interrupted her. "You know, you seemed real nice when we came in, but now you're back to being your usual sullen, no-kind-word-in-me, annoying, jerky self!!"

Sasuke stepped back. He realized he did slip back to his old attitude of snappy and forceful. "H-Hotaru, I-"

"I don't care!!" she ran over to the table, and pulled out the gift. "Here! I hope you like it!!"

Then she ran upstairs with tears streaming down her face.

Sasuke stared dumbfounded at the box in his hand, then turned to look at where Hotaru had disappeared.

_Oh god... what have I done?_ he sat the box down and unwrapped it, then pulled out something wrapped in paper and bubble wrap.

What was inside nearly made him drop it.

It was a black crystal dragon with ruby eyes, and it was reared up with it's wings outspread.

_She... she bought this for me?_ He thought, looking towards the stairs again. _Hotaru ..._ then he pulled out a card.

_Dear Sasuke,_

_Happy birthday. I hope you like _

_the dragon statue. It really reminds me_

_of you. And, I'm sorry for all of the mean_

_things I've said to you._

_Love Hotaru_

Sasuke stared at the card, thinking, _Now, I know why I wanted to give her something special... because I..._

He couldn't stand it. He ran to his room, grabbed Hotaru's presents, then rushed to her room.

"Hotaru? Hotaru, open the door please?" Sasuke called softly.

"Go away!"

"Please? I... I have some things for you," he called again.

I heard something shuffle, then the door opened. "What?"

"Here," he held up the boxes. "Happy birthday."

She took them, then looked up. "Thanks. Want to come in?"

Sasuke nodded. He walked in and sat in one of her extra chairs. Hotaru sat on her bed, and began unwrapping the smallest box.

"Wow!" She held up the jewelry. "These are beautiful!"

"Open the other one," Sasuke whispered.

With a raised eyebrow, Hotaru pulled the bigger box over and opened it. Then, she pulled out the card, and statue.

The dragon was laying like a dog would, with its front legs crossed, in the center of a rose guarden.

"How did you-"

"Read the card," Sasuke urged.

She did, and nearly dropped it.

_Dear Hotaru,_

_I'm sorry for every single hurtful thing I said and or did to you. _

_You're really a great person, and I'm sorry I didn't realize that sooner._

_I bought this statue right after you saw it. You see, I had been in the jewelry store _

_just down the street, and I saw you looking through the window. I figured you really wanted it._

_By the way, Happy Birthday._

_Love, Sasuke_

Hotaru looked at Sasuke, then the card, thinking,_ Now, I know why I wanted to make his birthday special... because I..._

"Sasuke..." Hotaru whispered. "Thank you."

Sasuke smiled. "Your welcome."

Hotaru looked at the card one more time, then stood and walked over to Sasuke,

"What is it?" he asked, a little confused.

Hotaru just smiled, then leaned down, and very lightly brushed her lips against his.

"What-?"

"Happy birthday, Sasuke," she said softly, standing up and turning.

Sasuke stared at her for a moment, then smirk as he caught her arm and pulled Hotaru to his chest.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke leaned forward, and kissed Hotaru oh so gently on the lips.

Hotaru was temporarily frozen as Sasuke kissed her, then she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed back.

"Hotaru, Happy Birthday," Sasuke said simply after they pulled apart.

_I love you,_ they both thought.

**Step 5 for both: Say "I love you" in the quietest, simplest ways possible. That will be the reason why you wanted to get them a present.**

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AN: This was orginally an english paper, but I kept it because I thought I did well on it. R&R please!!


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